Prepare Thyself
by PhantomAL
Summary: The summery is too complicated to explain on this little blip of a space. So, just read the intro by me to get the skinny. But this is gonna be good. All you have to know that this a followup to Calling All Angels
1. Introduction

Hi, my name's AL. Known as "Local Boy makes good". Or by my friends, "Local Boy makes fanfictions". And also known as "Local Boy eats food". Anyway, in my quest to be one of the most unoriginal people on the planet, I've decided to do an online "journal" of sorts to start off my sequel to my most famous fanfiction "Calling All Angels" entitled "Prepare Thyself".

Now, I'd like to say that this is a very original thing and that this journal thing is a revolutionary fanfiction idea. But, a lot of people have done it before me. But, in any event, I feel justified, and fuck it, let's do an online journal to begin and eventually end my new fanfiction "Prepare Thyself", so that you may read about the history of this disaster in the making. I just thank my lucky stars that I didn't do a "Danny and Tuck Strike Back" journal. Because, by the time we made to the end, you'd just read about me sitting in a corner, crawled up in a fetal position, rocking myself back and forth, and eyeing a shot-gun within 1 foot within reach.

* * *

First off, a summery of the story. As you know this will have tons of off-screen special effects, we've already created a full-scale model of heaven and hell, a giant ape, and a dude that flies. Nope, none of that. No bells and whistles like that.It's just gonna be a straight-up comedy/fantasy/romance/thingy. Just nothing but wise-ass characters, smart remarks, and the occasional cursing. But still, the story's gonna have a moral and a lot of sweet moments that will either make you go "squee" or "awww".

The story is really a "sequel". It's a follow-up. It's what takes place a year after the original story. Danny and Sam are having a very healthy relationship. Well, until a demonic portal from hell opens up at Red Bank, New Jersey, releasing many evil demons. At the same time, Bartleby and Loki, who I'm sure you already know from the movie Dogma, rise from the somewhat "dead" to attempt to destroy the Earth, again. This time by creating their own Church of Sin. In doing so, they try to convert every person in the world to commit sins that will in turn send the entire world literally to hell. So, Danny, Sam, Harvey, and Jay and Silent Bob, and a new angel, must join forces to destroy the evil…uh…evil.

* * *

I'm going back to the well, folks. The well of humor, rock music, smart-ass comments, and romance. Come back to the well with me. Let us both take a drink from the well that really sealed my name as a fanfictioneer. And the wellspring of everything good that's ever happened to me online. And follow me and the characters as we make the biggest mistake of our lives to try and follow-up the greatest fanfiction I've ever done.

I don't want to call it a sequel because, well, "Jaws 2" was a sequel, and look what happened to that. And "Evening Star" was a sequel to "Terms of Endearment". And let me tell you, to the guys out there on fanfiction and on the computer in general, if you don't cry at "Terms of Endearment", you have no heart. You're never gonna get a girlfriend. But "Evening Star" was a TERRIBLE sequel. Those movies made the big mistake of saying that they were sequels. And even though this isn't a movie, this isn't a sequel. It's a follow-up. You know, checkin' in on our characters 1 year later.

So, follow the journey from Amity Park, NJ ( I think that Amity Park should take place in Jersey. And that's how it shall be from now on), to Heaven, to Hell, and all across the country. Come with me on the journey that is, (AL spreads arms across and above his head) "Prepare Thyself". That raising my arms bit was my Jesus impression. He died for our sins, it's my Catholic upbringing. I love Jesus. So should you. He died for our sins. Do you hear me my Semitic friends? Wise up, the end is coming. You don't wanna die and get stuck up in front of the gates for all eternity saying "What happened? We thought he was just another rabbi." Bull-shit. He's our savior. And what better way to pay tribute to him than naming my story "Prepare Thyself", which happens to be the poster tagline for the movie "Dogma", one of the most pro-Jesus movies out there. I don't care what you say. It restored my faith a LOT.

* * *

I know I'm goin' to hell for writing this thing. But I knew that back on "Calling All Angels". But I'm not worried. I know that God has a great sense of humor. Once again, look at the platypus. But if by some miracle of chance that I AM going to hell, I'm just gonna enjoy the ride and live life to my fullest. Which is what you should ALWAYS do. You only live once, enjoy it. Don't waste your life.

And now as a special treat. I'm gonna show you a sneak peek of the intermission "journal" entry that will come up during the middle of this fic. My way to keep you coming back to the story to check up on our characters. So here is a preview, a "Coming Attraction" if you will, of my next journal entry.

* * *

(Middle of the story)

(AL is openly sobbing and screaming)

Christ! We're fucking ruined! What are we gonna do! (sobs more and screams gibberish) I hate EVERYBODY so much! This is worse than "The PhantoMASK"! (sobs uncontrollably more) AHHHH! Where's that shotgun!

(end)

* * *

(Back to the Present)

Ok…..I guess I assumed too quickly on that one. But nevertheless, enjoy the story. I think you're gonna love this. It's gonna be hilarious and heartwarming and hopefully very enlightening to the people reading it.

Enjoy the story and God bless.

I'm screwed, aren't I?

PhantomAL


	2. Welcome To HELL

Alright. Here ya go. The first real chapter to this monstrosity.  
PhantomAL

* * *

Chapter 1

Welcome to Hell

It all started one night. It was a cool autumn night, the leaves rustling against the wind. It was a perfect night for peeping toms. Yes, a peeping tom was sitting on a branch of a tree, clutching a bottle of wine. The man was fat, ugly, and a BIG pervert.

"Heh heh heh" he chuckled. "Another night, another woman. I feel like Deuce Bigalow."

He saw the woman come into the driveway out of her car with her 9 year-old-son who was in boy scouts. They had just came back from a scout/parent meeting.

"Right on time" the fat pervert said, glancing at his watch.

The mom went upstairs to her room to change into her pajamas. Thus making the perv very excited. Right when she was about to take off her shirt, the boy came into the room.

"Damn it!" the perv said. He got out his cell-phone and called up the house phone. The boy answered it.

"Hello?" the boy asked.

"Hello, Scotty" the pervert said. "Why don't you leave the room for a minute?"

"Who is this?" the boy said.

"This is a big bird who wants to see more of mommy" the perv said.

The boy and the mother looked out of the window, which turned out to be open. The fat guy then looked worried and started flailing his arms up and down and cawing like a crow. The boy then used his slingshot he had in his pocket to shoot a marble at the man. The marble made him slip off the tree branch he was sitting on and he fell on the ground…on his neck. Goodbye, pervert.

* * *

The perv then was spiraling down through a vortex of fire and loud heavy metal rock music. The man then fell through a large portal that other people were falling through every second. Needless to say, the man was scared. He saw a pale-white man with a bald head, a long black cloak, and a large pointy scythe. This man was the Grim Reaper.

"Where am I?" the man asked.

"Hey" the Reaper said. "Aren't you that horny guy who was trying to be a bird?"

"Uh, yes" the man said. "Yes I am"

"Well now you're gonna see what a horny bird really looks like…IN HELL!"

A crow then came out of nowhere and started to hump the guy's leg. Then another crow. And another, and another, and another. Until the guy was nothing but one large cawing blob. He started to scream and run away.

Hell was an impossibly large fiery kingdom filled with pain, suffering, and endless rock music. And in the middle of the kingdom stood a large black castle. And the balcony room of the castle belonged to a devil named AL. (A/N: I just HAD to put myself into this thing!).

* * *

AL was a 5 foot 7 inch tall devil. He looked to be 13, but in reality he was 13,000 years old. He had messy, somewhat curly, blonde hair. He had slightly pale skin and blue-ish green eyes. He was wearing a long black cloak with a few minor alterations: i.e.: it was a little ragged near the very bottom of it, and on the top right corner of the chest area of the cloak, there was a patch that had the Anarchy symbol. However, the Anarchy symbol had an "L" on the top-right corner of the patch, making it the

AL-archy symbol.

AL's room was just covered head to toe with posters of famous rock musicians. From Aerosmith, AC/DC, Bon Jovi, Jimi Hendrix, Metallica, Oingo Boingo, Ozzy Osbourne, Green Day, My Chemical Romance, and more. And in AL's hands clutched a pitch black left-handed guitar. He was currently playing on his guitar "Hell Ain't A Bad Place to Be" by AC/DC. The guitar was hooked up to 2 extremely large amplifiers that played music all around the regions of Hell. In his eyes, and in the eyes of many a demon, even some people, he was providing a service for Hell.

Now, AL wasn't a bad devil. He was actually a pretty nice guy. He just wanted to get his job done to please his teachers at school, like it or not. It's just that he really didn't have all the powers a devil usually had. You see, his father was a devil, and his mom was a human, thus making him half-devil.

* * *

Just then a fat devil with large horns came into the room.

"Hey, AL" he said.

"Hey, Jimmy" AL said. "What's up?"

"Nothing much" he said. "Except for the fact that YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK!"

"Oh, SHIT!" AL yelled. "Thanks for reminding me, Jim"

AL grabbed his guitar and stuffed it in his case. He strapped the guitar to his back and ran outside to the bike rack. His bike was a completely black hover- bike that spit flames out of the handlebars. He jumped on the bike and sped off to work.

"Work" was a large building that was always on fire. AL parked his bike in the back, which was his assigned spot. You see, he wasn't liked very much by the fellow devils and demons. He had a reputation of being a nice guy, which made him an outcast to many.

He got into work and sat down at his desk. He started to hum "Just Another Day" by Oingo Boingo and began working. He logged onto his computer, password: THUNDERSTRUCK. From his computer he could monitor Earth and everything happening on it. But every demon was assigned a different part of the world. And AL got the most boring, unpleasant, and disgusting state in the world: New Jersey.

However, these days AL was looking at a very interesting part of New Jersey: Amity Park. Around these parts strange things were happening. Usually these things were happening around a 15 year old boy listed as Daniel Fenton. AL studied this boy. He could fly, walk through walls, overshadow people, and multiply himself. After all, this WAS Danny Phantom he was watching.

"This guy" AL said. "Is cool"

* * *

"Hey, AL!" a voice from behind said. AL turned around and saw a man who looked to be in his late twenties. He had shaggy blonde hair, a black over coat on, and black pants and boots on.

"Hey, Loki" AL said. "How's it going?"

"Doing good" he said. "I'm just exhausted from a long night out on the job. You know what they say…"

"Mass genocide is the most exhausting task someone can partake in…" AL said.

"…next to soccer" Loki finished. "So I got the paper you wanted"

"Thanks man" AL said, taking the paper. It was the Amity Park Times: Thursday Edition. AL flipped to the ghost sightings page.

"What is with you and this sudden interest in ghosts?" Loki asked.

"I don't know" AL said. "But if I could get out of here and to Earth, I might be able to help this Phantom kid. No one knows more about the undead than me."

"True that" Loki said. "But don't count on it. The last time I got out of hell, the boss and I were sent back in 4 days by 2 stoners, a woman, and the 13th apostle. Ah, but I'm not complaining. I kinda missed the warmth down here.

Just then, a booming voice came over the loudspeaker.

"WILL AL COME TO MY OFFICE NOW!" the voice said.

"Oh man" I said. "The boss"

"Don't worry, AL" It's not like he can just fire you"

"You're right" AL said. "What's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

Coming Soon:

Chapter 2:

"The Worst That Could Happen"

PHEW! I got it done. Now read and review, PLEASE! NOW!

PhantomAL


	3. The Worst That Could Happen

Wow. Did I get some reviews on this thing. Now some people asked "Hey AL, where the hell is the DP in this?" Well, to stop you people from complaining, HERE'S where the DP comes into play. Enjoy.

I don't own DP or South Park.

PhantomAL

* * *

Chapter 2

The Worst That Could Happen

(Danny's POV)

"Jesus Christ!" I screamed. "Why won't you DIE?"

I delivered a punch, but he dodged it. But at the same time I kicked in the groin, which he did not dodge. Whilst writhing in pain, I picked up a giant battleaxe, which was connected to a machine gun, which was connected to a large Uzi, which was connected to a buzzsaw, which was connected to a dead parrot. I slammed the…th…uh… whatever the hell it was onto my enemy, which rolled away and dodged it, and the battleaxe thingy hit the ground and came right back up and sliced me in half. I was dead.

"GAME OVER" the screen said.

"Oh, come on!" I screamed, throwing the controller down. "This game cheats!"

"Maybe it was the fact that I entered cheat codes that helped me win" my girlfriend Sam said. "I don't know…'r1ckoshit'. I.E.: 'Make your opponents weapons hit the ground and hit him instead.'"

"Not fair" I said. "I thought we agreed no cheating on each other"

"Never said anything about video games" she said, smiling.

"Yeah, I guess you're right" I said, using mock depression.

"Oh come on" she said. "I love you even if you suck at video games."

"Thanks, Sam" I said. "Hey, what's that over there?"

"Where?" she said, playing along.

I quickly lunged at her and hugged her tight. I then started to kiss her neck gently. After about a minute, she decided to take things in her own hands. She swung her arms around me from behind and started to tickle me under my arms. I started to laugh and without noticing, she slunk away to hide.

"Can't get away from me that easily!" I said, turning invisible and, while not saying a word, walked over and kissed her. She snaked her arms around my neck and kissed me back as I turned visible again. I wrapped my arms around her slender waist and held her tight. This lasted for about 5 minutes until we broke apart. We smiled at each other and hugged.

"No cheating, eh?" she said, smiling.

"Never said anything about ghost powers." I said.

I then picked her up bridal style and laid down on her bed.

"Tired?" I asked.

"Very" she said.

"It is getting pretty late" I said looking at the clock that said 12:38 A.M. I came to her house to hang out while her parents were away on their second honeymoon, which somehow lasted the past 2 weeks. Poor Sam, having no one to take away her loneliness but me. But she wasn't complaining. I then tucked her in. I kissed her gently and turned around to leave. But something grabbed my hand.

"Danny" she said. "Do you really need to leave?"

"My parents will worry" I said.

"Your parents are away on a week long ghost convention and it's Thursday. They come back next Thursday."

"Well…I…uh…" I said nervous.

She then got up and stroked my cheek softly with her fingertips.

"Danny" she said. "I love you. And right now I'm guessing that because I want you to sleep in my room tonight that you think that we're gonna….you know…"

"Oh, never!" I said, blushing.

"I know you don't think that" she said. "And I thank you for not thinking that. You can sleep here tonight. If you get uncomfortable, then you're welcome to sleep downstairs or on the floor."

"It's like you DON'T want me to sleep her tonight" I said.

"Of course I want you to sleep here tonight" she said. "But I'm just saying, if you get awkward, you can sleep somewhere else. I just get so lonely here. And I'm scared."

"Scared?" I asked. "Why?"

She then looked down, somewhat ashamed. "I'm afraid that a ghost will attack me at night" she said.

"Oh, Sam" I said sitting down on the bed, lifting up her head by her chin softly. "Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. You remember this: I will NEVER let anything happen to you. And if sleeping here tonight will make you feel better, then I will"

She then smiled sweetly at me.

"Thank you, Danny" she said.

I lifted up the covers and got in the bed. I then hugged her softly and kissed her cheek.

"Goodnight, Sam" I whispered in her ear. "I love you"

"Goodnight, Dan" she whispered back. "I love you too"

And we drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

_**And now for something completely different…

* * *

**_

_Back in hell…_

(AL's POV)

I was sitting in the main man's office. The room's décor was a little like the unholy brain-child of Ozzy Osbourne and Marilyn Manson. The boss, Mr. Bartleby, was polishing his horns at the moment. After he finished, he sat down at his chair.

"Be it ever so heinous, there's no place like home" he sang.

Bartleby had black, buzzed hair and two small red horns coming from his forehead. He was wearing a long black and red robe and black boots. On the robe was a dark red tie.

"AL" he said. "Allow me to be frank. This, _mon freir_, is hell. It is a place of suffering, depression, and eternal damnation, am I right?"

"Yes sir" I stuttered.

"However" he said, "after looking at your file, I've decided to re-assign you to somewhere that more suits you"

"Where?" I asked. "Division 667?"

"No" he said coldly. "I was actually thinking…UPSTAIRS"

My eyes went wide and, if possible, my face went whiter. "You mean…Heaven?"

"No shit, Sherlock" Bartleby said.

"Bartleby" Loki said, standing next to me. "You really don't mean that you're gonna send him up there?"

"Yes" he said. "I've already made plans with God to send him up there in…5…4…3…2…1"

A long beaming light from above lifted me and the guitar on my back into the air.

"Hey!" I screamed. "(in Cartman's voice) Get me down from hyah!"

"South Park impersonations won't help you here" Bartleby said. "Have fun" he said smiling evilly.

I then disappeared into thin air. The next thing I knew, there was the bright light and…

* * *

Don't you just HATE these damn cliffhangers? Sorry, but my hands are starting to hurt. READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!

PhantomAL


	4. Soundtracked!

A lot of people think that i put soundtracks near the middle of fics. People also assume too much.  
PhantomAL

Prepare Thyself soundtrack

Dream On- Aerosmith

The Meaning of Life- Monty Python

Comin' To Your City- Big & Rich

Hell's Bells- AC/DC

Chump- Green Day

Longview- Green Day

Give 'Em Hell, Kid- My Chemical Romance

Only A Lad- Oingo Boingo

Soul Shaker- Big & Rich

Blind Man- Aerosmith

Go Your Own Way- Seaweed

Black Betty- Throttlerod

California Uber Allies- Dead Kennedys

Who Do You Want To Be? - Oingo Boingo

Walk On Water- Aerosmith

Teenagers From Mars- Misfits

Jesus Of Suburbia- Green Day

I Got Two Legs- Monty Python

I Remember Larry- "Weird AL" Yankovic

Johnny Came Home Headless- The Arrogant Worms

Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be- AC/DC

Kill The Sexplayer- Girls Against Boys

Got Me Wrong- Alice In Chains

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)- R.E.M.

To The End- My Chemical Romance

Vertigo- U2

Night Of The Living Rednecks- Dead Kennedys

Crazy Little Thing Called Love- Queen

Emenius Sleepus- Green Day

It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Death Wish- My Chemical Romance

Always Look On The Bright Side of Life- Monty Python

Still- Alanis Morissette

* * *

Man, this took a lot of thought, belive or not. Enjoy!  
PhantomAL


	5. Plenary Indulgence

Ok, to keep you off my backs from "XMAS Story", which I will very soon be updating, here's the newest chapter of "Prepare Thyself". Enjoy!  
PhantomAL

* * *

Chapter 3  
Plenary Indulgence

(No one's POV)

Earlier that day, a house in the Highlands of New Jersey had a person walk up to it. He knocked on the door and a woman opened it.

He was wearing a bright white jacket, white pants, white shoes, and a white hat. He had a pen and a clipboard in his hand.

"Good afternoon Ms…Reynolds?" he said, glancing at his clipboard, clicking his pen. "I'm from the EPA. We're checking houses for possible Freon leaks. Tell me, do you have air conditioning?"

"Yes" the woman said. "I have central air"

"In every room?"

"Yes, in every room but the bathroom. Why?" Famous last words.

"Well, you do know what that means, right?"

A squish was heard and the woman's eyes widened. A hockey stick had just been stabbed in the woman's back by a young 13 year old boy with a dead look in his eyes. The stab killed her. Her dead body fell on the ground.

The man took off his hat, revealing two red horns coming from his forehead. His name was Magra.

The demon walked through the door, to the thermostat, turning it on high. He inhaled the air.

"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin GREATER than central air" Magra said. "Pick THAT up" he said, pointing to the dead corpse on the front porch.

"This" Magra began, speaking to three teenagers, all with rollerblades on and wielding hockey sticks, "will be the base of operations from hereon in. Now if I remember correctly, the powers will try and send a newly recruited former demon to stop the plan. Also, they'll try and send this half-ghost superhero and his girlfriend. I need you three to shuffle them loose their mortal coil. GO."

The three teenagers got up and skated out towards Amity Park. Magra put his hat back on and turned on the TV.

"Let's see how the fall of civilization is doing today" Magra said, flipping the channel to Comedy Central.

* * *

Sam was still sleeping with Danny's arms around her waist. She woke up for some reason after hearing a thud. She opened her eyes and surveyed her room. She slithered herself from Dan's grasp and got out of bed to look around.

All of a sudden, a big blue flame came out of nowhere heavenly chanting was heard around it. Sam panicked and ran back over to Danny.

"Danny" she said, shaking him. "Wake up"

"Mmmff…ugh…Superbomberman…." Danny muttered in his sleep, not waking up.

Sam, in a fit of brilliance, ran to her bathroom and grabbed a fire extinguisher and sprayed the white foamy liquid at the flame. She heard a cough and a curse word being muttered from the near-extinguished flame. She could've sworn the voice sounded familiar.

"Sweet Jesus!" the figure said, still overlapped in smoke. "Did you have to use the whole can!"

"Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my house?" Sam yelled.

"I'm the one who's drenched and you're surly, that's rich" the voice said again.

Sam calmed down, somewhat realizing who the figure was.

After the smoke settled, the figure was fully visible. He was a man in his mid forties. He was tall, he had short black hair that was somewhat spiked and had a black jacket with a purple vest under it. He was wearing black pants and black shoes. Sam knew who he was right away.

* * *

"Harvey?" Sam asked.

"One year later and you don't even recognize your own guardian angel?" Harvey asked sarcastically.

Sam ran over to Harvey and hugged him. Harvey hugged her back.

"Glad to see that you've grown softer this time." Harvey said, releasing Sam. "I still have the bruise on my head from last year's baseball bat incident"

"Harvey, how's it going?" Sam asked.

"Doing well, Sam" Harvey said. "If the world being in danger is good, then yes, I'm doing well"

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"It's a long story" Harvey said. "I think we better have a drink over it"

* * *

Harvey snapped his fingers and Sam and him were transported to the same Mexican restaurant that they were one year ago.

"Wow" Sam said. "So familiar"

The waiter came over.

"Dos blueberry daiquiris, por favor. And an empty glass" Harvey said to the waiter.

"Si" the Mexican waiter said.

"Gracias"

"Ok, Harv" Sam asked. "Mind telling me what's going on?"

"Ok, point blank: I am to charge you with a holy crusade" Harvey said.

"For the record" Sam said, "I'm Jewish"

"Gandhi was anorexic, look what he accomplished. But all you and Dan have to do is go to Red Bank and visit St. Michaels Church by next Thursday."

"Red Bank" Sam said, as the waiter came over with two blueberry daiquiris and put them on the table. "That doesn't sound like a divine quest to me"

"Aside from the fine print," Harvey said, "that's all"

"And what, may I ask, is the fine print"

Harvey covered his mouth with the daiquiri glass.

"Stopacoupleofdemonsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence" Harvey muttered, taking a swig of the drink, and spitting it back into his empty glass.

"You might wanna run that by me again" Sam said.

"Stop a couple of demons from entering and thus negating all existence" Harvey said. "I hate it when people need it spelt out for them"

"Ok" Sam said. "I'm confused. So, tell me the REAL story"

Harvey inhaled.

Exhaled.

Inhale.

Exhale.

* * *

"Back in the old days," Harvey began, "God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was vented via the angel of death, name of Loki. When the angel of death took all the first-born sons of Egypt, that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. So after Loki's done wiping out the first-borns of Egypt, a friend of his hangs out with him for a while"

"Who was that?" Sam asked.

"A Gregori by the name of Bartleby" Harvey said. "Now, once the first-borns are dead and gone, Bartleby and Loki go out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this whole BS conversation on whether or not killing in the name of God is ok, and at the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one that doesn't involve slaughter. So, a very inebriated Loki walks up to God, tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives God the finger, which ruins it for the rest of us angels, because from that day forward, God decreed that no angel could ever again imbibe alcohol, hence all the spitting"

Harvey swigged down another sip and spit it into the empty glass.

"So" Harvey continued, "for their insolence, Bartleby and Loki were banished from heaven, said to never to return to the Promised Land again."

"Were they sent to hell?" Sam asked.

"No worse" Harvey said. Swig, spit. "Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends they'll end up sitting in front of the pearly gates for all eternity. So, in 1998, they found a way to get back INTO heaven by using the plenary indulgence loophole in Catholic dogmatic law, but in doing so, they would be proving God wrong and thus the universe would've been destroyed. But they were thwarted by another woman, name of Bethany. Bethany turned out to be the Last Scion, the last descendent of Jesus Christ. But it appears they've found a way back, and are going to use the same loophole but in a different way."

"But I'm not Catholic" Sam said.

"No" Harvey said, swig, spit. "But Danny is. So, you need to be at the Nasty Burger in, oh damn, 20 minutes, so you better hurry"

"Why there?"

"Because you have to meet some people that will help you." Harvey said.

"More angels?" Sam asked.

"Prophets...to say the least. Two of them. The one who speaks- and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not- will make mention of himself as a prophet. And the other one…well, he's the quiet type. Look, I gotta go. Remember, Nasty Burger in 20 minutes. Only you need to come."

"Why only me?" Sam asked.

"Because from the look of it, Danny is too tired to go anywhere. And sleeping during a giant fire erupts out of nowhere is a good enough hint that he's to tired to do ANYTHING. So, you, alone, Nasty Burger, 20 minutes"

Harvey got up.

"Hey" Sam said.

Harvey turned around.

"What's He like?" Sam asked.

"God?" Harvey asked. "Lonely, but funny. The Man's got a great sense of humor. Take the president for example. Nothing funnier than a crazy Western guy pronouncing every country official's name wrong."

"George W. Bush is a joke up in heaven?"

"To what I understand is that he's more of a joke down here. I'll see you later"

* * *

Harvey snapped his fingers and Sam woke up, still dark, in her room. She remembered what Harvey said and she got dressed.

She was about to open the door when she looked back at Danny. She walked over to her desk, pulled out a pen, and scribbled down a note.

"Danny-  
Went to the Nasty Burger. Be back soon.  
Love, Sam"

She put the note on her bed next to Danny. She kissed him on the cheek and went out the door, unaware who she was going to meet next.

* * *

Wow, how's that for a descriptive chapter? Well, read and review please!  
PhantomAL 


	6. FAKE Cast and Crew

Just like "Dead Man's Party", here's the cast and crew for "Prepare Thyself"!  
PhantomAL

* * *

Plenary Indulgence Productions  
Presents

A  
PhantomAL  
Fanfiction

"Prepare Thyself"

Starring  
Ben Affleck- Bartleby

Matt Damon- Loki

David Kaufman- Danny Fenton/Phantom

Grey DeLisle- Sam Manson

PhantomAL- AL

Allison- Allison

Alan Rickman- Harvey

Jason Mewes- Jay/Himself

Kevin Smith- Silent Bob/St. Peter/Himself

Jason Lee- Magra

Justin Long- St. Jimmy

Salma Hayek- Lily

Brian O'Halloran- Dante

Jeff Anderson- Randal

George Carlin- Cardinal Joe

Jon Lovitz- The Perv

Kevin Nealon- Grim Reaper

The Ghost of Douglas Adams- Douglas Adams

And  
Alanis Morissette  
As  
God

Music by  
Howard Shore  
And  
Danny Elfman

Based off Characters created by  
Kevin Smith  
Billie Joe Armstrong (Yes, from Green Day)  
And  
Butch Hartman

Written and Directed by  
PhantomAL

* * *

Well, read and review!  
PhantomAL 


	7. The Prophets

Chapter 4  
The "Prophets"

(No one's POV)

Sam walked through the Nasty Burger parking lot, with her black jacket and skirt on. It had gotten considerably colder in the past…5 minutes. She looked around the nearly empty parking lot, seeing a few people inside now that Nasty Burger extended the operation hours.

She had a few thoughts going through her mind. One major thought in the back of her mind was why Harvey said that only she should come? What was so important about her? And what was that annoying buzzing sound?

True, there was a very annoying buzzing noise around the vicinity of where Sam was standing. Then she heard the sound of rollerblades skating on the ground. Suddenly, a hockey stick came out of nowhere and tripped Sam, making her fall on the ground.

She turned around on the ground with a scared-beyond-belief look on her face as she saw the three rollerblading teenagers in front of her, wielding duct tape covered hockey sticks.

They stared at each other for a minute, then…

They attacked.

The three teenagers skated quickly towards Sam.

"Ahhh!" Sam screamed, covering her eyes, waiting for the attack. All of a sudden…

* * *

"Snootch to the noonch!"

Two figures came out of nowhere and jumped on top of the teenage attackers. One of them was tall and skinny. He had long blonde hair that was covered by a black toque. (A/N: After three "View Askew" based stories, I'd think you know what a toque is) He was wearing a grey AC/DC shirt on under a red and white jacket. He was wearing black jeans and Air Force One's.

The other one was shorter and fat. He was wearing a white "Mooby's" baseball cap that was turned back. He was wearing a black shirt that was covered by a very long robe-like green jacket. He was wearing jeans and Converse All-Stars.

Both figures started beating up the teenagers. Sam watched the entire thing happen. She thought she recognized the figures from SOMEWHERE.

The skaters skated away.

"Go back to ya paper routes, ya mighty duck fucks!" the tall one said. "Snoogans…Did ya see that man? I know they were just kids, but we kicked their asses!"

The two figures came over to Sam and helped her up.

"Thanks" Sam said. "Hey, you too look familiar…"

"I doubt it" the skinny one said. "Anyways, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life mate, Silent Bob"

* * *

Sam's eyes widened. Jay and Silent Bob?

"Tell me…" Sam said. "Do you know a Goth girl who's boyfriend is a hero around here?"

"Yeah, Sam Manson" Jay said. "Why?"

Sam smiled, extending her arms.

Jay and Bob's eyes widened.

"Holy shit!" Jay said. "Sam?"

"Yep" Sam said.

Jay and Bob ran up and caught Sam in a bone crushing bear hug.

"Ucchh!" Sam said. "Can't…breathe!"

Jay and Bob released their grip on Sam.

"Man, you look good!" Jay said. "Danny been treatin' ya good? Huh? Know what I mean?"

Sam blushed.

"No, we're only 15." Sam said.

"Man, I thought you were 20" Jay said. Silent Bob rolled his eyes.

"So…" Sam said, pointing to the Nasty Burger. "Hungry?"

"Look who you're askin" Jay said.

* * *

"So, why are you here in Amity?" Sam asked, eating a salad inside the Nasty Burger.

"We got led here by this guy in a black robe." Jay said. "Fuckin' guy said that there was tons of chicks here waiting to score. Fuckin' guy's a lyin' sumbitch."

"Black robe huh?" Sam asked. "That's weird"

"Yeah" Jay said. "But what was really weird is that the guy disappeared after we looked back at him. And we thought angels were weird"

"Angels…" Sam whispered. "Look, something weird happened to me tonight, and I need to tell you guys about it"

"Did he wear a condom?" Jay asked, once again, thinking with his libido and not much else.

"NO" Sam said. "A dream…I think. Here's what happened."

* * *

So, Sam told Jay and Bob about Harvey coming to her in her sleep. She told her about Bartleby and Loki coming again. And how she had to get to Red Bank in 4 days.

"Holy fuck" Jay said. "Not those two again! Man! I thought we were done with those guys!"

Silent Bob nodded angrily.

"I know, but they're back" Sam said. "And Harvey told me Danny and I need you guy's help."

"I thought you were Jewish" Jay said.

"Yeah, but I need to stop these guys. Harvey seems to think I'm the one who's gonna save the world. Apparently, I'm important in this mess"

Jay's eyes widened.

"Oh man" Jay whispered to Bob. "Not again…"

"What?" Sam asked.

"Oh, nothin" Jay said. "So where's Danny?"

"At my house, asleep" Sam said.

Jay grinned again, and was about to open his mouth.

"SHUT UP" Sam said. "Now, are we gonna go or not?"

"Alright" Jay said. "But I'm havin' a hard time believin' that you and Danny didn't…"

Sam ran up to Jay and choked him.

"Okay! Okay!" Jay screamed. "You two didn't do it! LET ME GO!"

Sam let go of Jay's neck as they walked out the door and to Sam's house.

* * *

(Danny's POV)

I woke up with a empty feeling in my stomach. I read a note that was written by Sam.

"This could've been written hours ago!" I whispered. "Where is she?"

Just then, a pebble hit the window. I walked over to the window and opened it, looking down on Sam.

"Hey, Danny?" Sam said.

"Sam" I said. "Where were you?"

"I was having a little…reunion" she said.

Just then, a fat guy and a skinny guy came next to Sam.

"Snootchie bootchies!" the skinny one said, giving my the sign of the devil.

_Jay and Silent Bob?_ I thought.

"Oh God" I said annoyed.

* * *

(Meanwhile up in Heaven…)

(AL's POV)

I was walking up what appeared to be a large golden stairway. I was walking for what seemed to be hours, then I finally made it to the top.

A fat guy wearing a blue sweatshirt and a New Jersey t-shirt walked up to me.

"Welcome, AL" he said. "I'm ST. Peter"

"Man, I've listened to _Dark Side of the Moon_ too much" I said.

* * *

Hopefully you guys liked this chapter. Read and review!  
PhantomAL 


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